Well, it’s been a week. A week since we drove out of that rainy city, leaving our daughter there all alone but happy as a clam. She’s got the cat to keep her company and her new life opening up before her.
For me, it’s been both better and worse than I thought it would be. The better things have been small and somewhat unexpected, more about choices I have that I didn’t before: What’s for dinner, what to watch on TV, and what to do on Saturday afternoons.
Worse? The house that once seemed too small now is huge, empty and hollow. Having no one to share The Daily Show, no one to share bus adventures, no one to commiserate with about how the day went.
The almost crippling loneliness that sometimes sneaks up on me is worse than I expected. Sound overdramatic? I would have said so too until I found myself on Sunday afternoon in a fetal position in tears with no clear reason why.
This must be the empty nest coupled with the reality of divorce. I’ve never lived alone, ever. I went from my parent’s house, to living with roommates to marriage. Now there are times when I feel utterly alone and without purpose.
I’ve been a hands-on Mom for so long I don’t know how to do anything else and this long distance Mom thing is… I don’t know what it is. I find myself on this new frontier with no map or guidebook. What am I supposed to do now?
I think I’m fooling everybody around here. Smile, make witty comments and keep being helpful to others. Do the daily paperwork, print the daily reports, keep the copying up to date, replace the toner in the printer…it’s all getting done and they think I’m remarkable.
But you know, there is always a silver lining to every cloud. Right now that lining is I’m here, my daughter is blossoming and what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…