Sunday, October 18, 2009

Silver lining my ass…

When did I become the person that is obligated to find the silver lining in everything? The one who has to always end on a happy note? The one who bolsters others and shows them the positive hidden in the negative? Just when the hell did that happen?

I am always the one to say how grateful I am for things, how everything will be OK and to just keep plugging along because things will turn around soon.  How many times I have I started a sentence with “At least I have…”?


The reality is that sometimes life just sucks. Loneliness and depression win out. There isn’t enough money, energy or time to do the things you need to do let alone what you want to do. Every time a step forward is taken, someone or something shoves you back two until you grow weary of trying and just stand in the same place for awhile.

The ones you love are too far away, too busy or just not available. Family scatters and grows distant as their lives grow and change which I suppose, is how it always is. Growth and change are what life is about…

Being alone is a catch –22. It’s peaceful after a busy and highly populated work week but isolating when you need some support or even just a hug.

Times like this I am tempted to unplug. To turn off the computer, the phone, the lights and just climb into bed and pull up the covers with a box of Kleenex and just let go.

But, I don’t. Why? Because life is basically good. Things aren’t perfect, far from it. Sure, I’m lonely, insecure and wishing someone would walk through the door and hug me and take care of me but that’s only today. Tomorrow might bring something different and I’m too curious not to see what that might be.

I guess I just needed to express this. My mother used to call it stomping my foot. Yeah, I feel like I’m six  years old and screaming “but that’s not fair!”. I guess that is a lesson I’ll never stop learning.

And look! The sun is coming out!