A new friend

I have been living alone now for almost 3 months. It has been an adjustment but for the most part, it’s working out just fine.

There is really only one thing that continues to be difficult. The loneliness. I now spend a lot of time alone. I do lots of one person things these days. I watch TV, knit, clean, read and talk to myself. I spend lots of time on my new computer cruising the ‘net, learning what this thing can and cannot do and trying to get used to the new version of Word.

But despite doing all those things to keep myself busy, I still fight the loneliness every day. I don’t like walking into an empty house knowing I’ll be alone for the rest of the night or even worse, for the weekend. It is depressing. Sometimes I will go and do things with my friends, but most of them have families so those things are few and far between. I speak with my daughter very often and that’s comforting. But it doesn’t fill the rest of the time and it doesn’t fill that loneliness that continues to follow me around.

Right after my daughter left (and took the kitties with her) a friend from work offered to share her kitty with me. She has an adult female cat (one of 8) that she feels needs more attention than she is getting. She said that she’d be willing to let me take her with the condition that if it didn’t work out she would take this kitty back into her home.

At the time, I didn’t take her up on it. I had been planning to move and didn’t want to try to take a kitty with me. Well, those plans have been put on hold indefinitely and here I sit lonely and missing my furry friends.

So, last Friday I called her to see if she was still looking for someone to take in her kitty. I explained my situation and why I didn’t take her up on it earlier. She assured me that she would take the kitty back into her home if in fact I had to move and she thought the two of us were meant to keep each other company. My worry had been having to find a home for this kitty if I did indeed move and that worry was now gone.

Next weekend, I will have a new kitty. I am so looking forward to having some companionship. Yes, cats are solitary creatures and don’t need people much. But maybe the two of us older single ladies will find things in common and make each other’s lives more pleasant, comfortable and cozy.

Things I've begun to notice

Since coming into this new empty-nest phase of my life, I've begun to notice some things about my self that have surprised me.

I don't like to live alone. I am finding myself rattling around the house alone and talking to myself. I miss sharing my space with another living being. Maybe I need a fish.

I talk to myself a lot more now. That's not so bad except I forget and do it at work and in public. I have found myself apologizing: no, I didn't say anything, I was just thinking out loud. Thinking out loud sounds so much better than talking to myself.

It's hard to shop and cook for just one person. The upside is that my food bill is much smaller. The downside, lack of motivation to fix well rounded meals. Upside, rediscovering the joys of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Suddenly I have curly hair. OK so this doesn't really have anything to do with being an empty nester but what is the deal? I've always had straight hair. I've been letting it grow, got sick of it and had some shape cut into it. Now it's curly! I'm not complaining but where did this come from?

I have to stop myself from picking up strays. I really am not ready to be the crazy cat lady quite yet. But they look so cute and it's kitten season. Walk away, just walk away.

So, it's continuing to be an interesting, strange journey, but one I'm trying my best to embrace. Yes, it's hard sometimes but overall, I think this new life is going to work out just fine.

Photo courtesy of

BlossomSwap.com

The empty nest is getting more comfortable...

So, it’s been a couple of weeks and guess what? I’ve survived! That first weekend was a killer but I’m getting used to the solitude and beginning to even enjoy it. Between the cell phone and the internet it’s almost like she’s still here, almost. There have been a couple of frantic “Mom what do I do now” phone calls but we are both surviving. She is making her way around the big city and having a grand time doing so.

I am learning to not cook such big meals, to shop smaller and to find ways to amuse myself on the bus. Knitting is coming in very handy as is my little iPod Shuffle. I’ve been on a dishcloth making kick and these are perfect projects to throw in my bag and take along. Yes, everyone will be getting fancy dishcloths for some holiday this year.

I am finding myself staring into the future. The whole “what’s next” thing is bombarding me from all sides. I don’t know what to make of it and I am having some trouble wrapping my brain around it. I haven’t lived looking into the future in a long time. I’ve been living in the “right in front of my face, keep my head down and get through it” for longer than I care to admit. I thought I had the answers but now I’m not so sure. Is this a mid-life crisis? If so, where is the sports car and the hot 20 year old boy?

All kidding aside, I am struggling with this new life but I am living it. I guess that’s all one can do is to take a new step each day and just keep going forward. Sometimes that new step is a doozy

So this is what an empty nest feels like...

Well, it’s been a week. A week since we drove out of that rainy city, leaving our daughter there all alone but happy as a clam. She’s got the cat to keep her company and her new life opening up before her.

For me, it’s been both better and worse than I thought it would be. The better things have been small and somewhat unexpected, more about choices I have that I didn’t before: What’s for dinner, what to watch on TV, and what to do on Saturday afternoons.

Worse? The house that once seemed too small now is huge, empty and hollow. Having no one to share The Daily Show, no one to share bus adventures, no one to commiserate with about how the day went.

The almost crippling loneliness that sometimes sneaks up on me is worse than I expected. Sound overdramatic? I would have said so too until I found myself on Sunday afternoon in a fetal position in tears with no clear reason why.

This must be the empty nest coupled with the reality of divorce. I’ve never lived alone, ever. I went from my parent’s house, to living with roommates to marriage. Now there are times when I feel utterly alone and without purpose.

I’ve been a hands-on Mom for so long I don’t know how to do anything else and this long distance Mom thing is… I don’t know what it is. I find myself on this new frontier with no map or guidebook. What am I supposed to do now?

I think I’m fooling everybody around here. Smile, make witty comments and keep being helpful to others. Do the daily paperwork, print the daily reports, keep the copying up to date, replace the toner in the printer…it’s all getting done and they think I’m remarkable.

But you know, there is always a silver lining to every cloud. Right now that lining is I’m here, my daughter is blossoming and what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…

Funny things they say to you at work...

I was standing at the copier waiting for some copies to finish when a co-worker says to me "You must be so tired, I don't know how you talk so much during the day, do you drink?"

I spend the majority of my day explaining things to people. I use a lot of words in a day, granted, I repeat a lot of them too. "Click on the star icon, no, the star, no, the gold star icon", "you have to enter the data in the correct format using numbers and slashes, no that's a dash you need to use a slash, no this key right here" "No! Don't use the back button... oh, well, you just lost all your information. Yes, you have to do it all over again; yes I know, you hate computers."

Perhaps now the "do you drink" question makes more sense...

The answer no, but sometimes I wish I could.

Be still my heart…

I had one of those moments that you want to capture forever and keep it somewhere so you can take it out and re-experience it from time to time.

I have been teaching my 18 year old daughter how to knit. This summer I showed her how to cast on and the knit stitch. She diligently set about making and frogging numerous squares and scarves to practice with and then seemed to get bored.

Right before Christmas she found a pattern for Civil War era Muffatees and wanted to know if I could make them. She picked out some yarn and I made them for her in an evening.

She sent me an email at work telling me she had forgotten how to cast on so I told her I’d show her when on I got home but that she could check my bookmarks and got to the Knitting Help site and look at the videos.

I got home that night and she once again asked me to show her how to cast on. She sat busily on the couch casting on and then knitting. It was so wonderful to be sitting on the couch, she at one end and me at the other, parallel knitting. She began taking her knitting to work and when she rode the bus. Be still my heart…

But here comes the real moment to be captured and saved forever. We had spent the afternoon running around, going to Michael’s and JoAnn’s and were on the bus heading home. It was getting dark by this time. She usually puts her iPod on to block out the noise on the bus and she did that. Then she whips out her knitting and proceeds to knit in public, on the bus in near darkness. I wanted to hug her. It was amazing to see something that was passed down to me through my Grandmother, my Mother, me and now to her.

That night she finished her first garter stitch scarf. It was made from Red Heart’s soft yarn using size 6 needles so it was tightly knit and substantial. It had some little holes, and the edges were a bit in and out but it was the most beautiful scarf I had ever seen.

Last night she asked me to teach her how to purl. So I had her cast on and knit one row and then showed her how to purl. This time I had her use size 8 needles with her Simply Soft yarn left from a bag I had made. It took a few repetitions but she got it! I told her that if she alternated her knit and purl rows, she would get the stockinet stitch.

Again she worked away, this time wearing her newly finished scarf, while I was on the computer and then I hear this question: is it supposed to curl up like this? I took a look at her work and it was beautiful. Nice straight even stitches that curled a bit on the bottom. I almost started to tear up and told her how great it looked for a first try. I also told her about using garter stitch borders to keep the curling from happening. We talked about how to tell the difference between knit and purl stitches.

She is getting ready to leave the nest in a few months. This experience with her is one I will now cherish forever. I have gotten to pass along to her the building blocks of knitting. She can add this to her tool box of other crafting skills and her ever growing box of life skills. And it is one more connection to knit us together even as the apron strings are loosened and cut, moving closer while at the same time separating.

A time of change

I am beginning to look into the abyss of change. All around me it is beginning, moving inexorably forward completely out of my control. It is starting as a trickle like a small mountain stream but already I hear the rumbles of white water ahead.

She has one foot out the door and is not looking back. I hear her speaking of her new life away from me, one in which I will play only a small, far away role. Realizing that sooner than later I will not wake up to see her every day, we will not say goodnight to each other every night, I will not hear the question are you going to take a shower first of should I.

Soon she will be a distant voice on the phone, a blinking message in my email box, the occasional card in the mail.

But this is how it’s supposed to be isn’t it? They are with you for a time and then you set them free to fly the nest, to create a nest of their own, to have adventures near and far, to make their mark in the world.

I have known this intuitively since I carried her in my womb, I have pontificated about this since I first held her in my arms. I know this. So why is it feeling like a complete surprise to me now?

We are approaching the finish line, making the final preparations, crossing the t’s and dotting the i’s, getting her ducks in a row and every other cliché one can think of, each step getting closer to the final take off and I find myself hanging on for dear life.

How does one gracefully step out of the way? How does one untie that very last knot on the apron? How does one stand at the front door smiling, waving and saying good bye and watching them sail off into uncharted territory?

I guess you take a deep breath, untie that knot and know that you’ve done your job. There is a saying in knitting that says “Trust the pattern”. I guess in this case I have to trust the job I’ve done and the choices I’ve made and trust that she is ready for the world.

Why doesn’t “because I said so” work with adults?

I work in a public place that is run by several government agencies. We provide all kinds of services for the public that are related to the workforce. We have staff from various agencies who work with different populations that come in depending on their needs.

I work in a room that is here for job search purposes only. All the activity and equipment is only to be used for looking for and finding a job. This is posted on every computer monitor, on signs on the walls and on the papers they fill out when they sign up. It’s not a secret.

We have computers with internet access, a printer, fax machine and a phone that are all free to use. We provide nice resume paper, envelopes and folders to keep them in. We provide disks to save their work on, again, all at no cost to them.

The computers can be used to look up jobs, create and post resumes, print resumes and to file for unemployment. There is a state run website that provides a resume builder, job search engine and job matching. The internet can be used to look for work, send work related email such as a resume and check email to see if they have any job news waiting for them.

All that being said, my coworkers and I spend an inordinate amount of time telling people that the equipment is strictly for job search purposes. i.e.:

No, you can’t go online and shop for barbeque grills at Target.
No checking your bank balance is not job related.
You can’t post personal ads on Craig’s list from these computers.
No, I can’t do anything about the filters that are on the computers.
Um, you can’t download music onto these computers or you mp3 player here.
No, looking up dog breeds and their care is not job related.

Just like 5 year olds, they try to argue their points. “But I want to be a dog groomer.” Do you have a job offer that shows this? “No but it’s what I’d like to do”. Well, you can go to the public library and do that there.

“Something’s wrong with your computers”. What’s it doing? “It won’t let me open my MySpace page”. Yeah, the filters don’t allow that site to load here and anyway, that’s not job search related. You can go and do that at the public library, they don’t have any filters.

I’m sorry; you can’t do any shopping on these computers. “But I wasn’t.” I can see that you are looking at Target’s website and you are not in the Careers section. “Well, I am thinking of going around the country and selling these as a career and so I need to research them.”

Well, you can’t do that here but you can go to the library and do it there. “You are keeping me from being able to get a job by not letting me do comparisons of these grills. This is research, man.” Well, you’ll have to do that at the library.
I ended up having to call the security guard and having the person escorted off the property because he escalated and became threatening. (note my handy-dandy government speak)

Occasionally we get “oh, sorry” response when told nicely, “everything done on these computers has to be job search related”. Those are happy times… mostly we get the arguments and justifications and rationalizations for why we should make an exception for them.

This is the reason I made a label with the security guard’s phone number and put it on my name badge, it does double duty in covering up my last name. (I asked for it to be left off but was overruled by people who don’t in an environment that requires the presence of a security guard.)

So, I just want to say to these people when they start with the rationalizations, excuse and arguments, no, you can’t do that. Why? Because I said so…

A slice of time.

There is so much I need to say
I am here in this slice
of time
with you
And I know
for the first time
contentment

I have opened myself up
to you
completely
because you
accept me
without judgment
without exceptions
without expectations

Here with you
I just am…
not good
not bad
just me

I have no fear
when I am near you
no censor
no self-doubt.

You have helped
me to come
out of a cocoon
A shell
so carefully built
constructed to
protect
what was left
of this broken
me

One small piece
at a time
you loosened
then lifted
the shell
because you saw
the butterfly
trapped inside…

The butterfly
I couldn’t
see or feel.
The butterfly
I thought
was gone…

Priceless

Paradox

Drowning in your lies
shifting gears
trying to keep up,
stay focused,
be flexible-
bend but don’t break
reach but don’t touch
feel but not too much.

Happy not sad
easy not hard
close but distant
here but not there
now but not then.

So when?
Slowly descend into despair
can’t keep up
can’t fall back
can’t go forward
STUCK.

Stuck here with nothing
only dark things
Can’t get out of bed
can’t see the sun
can’t see the moon
can’t see me and you.

Far away a breeze blows
sweet, clean, and clear
Sweeping through the darkness
bringing something new
something to hang on to
something real
but just out of reach

Anniversary Day

Written on the what would have been my 21st annivesary.... so much healing has happened since the divorce I can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel!

Anniversary Day

My heart remembers,
times and places
people and things.

Placed in time
by numbers
don’t mean much to you-
set my soul by them.

Each year they come and go
and I remember.
Each passing
in my mind’s eye
like a photograph.

Faded black and white images
vivid color pieces of time
split second moments
captured fragments of life.

Tears fall
laughter bubbles up
treasured moments
remembered with a sigh.

This life is short,
the journey rocky
paved with these memories.

Wouldn’t trade a single minute-
they have brought me here
to this understanding
to this place
to this anniversary day.

Coffee Steaming in the Morning...

Coffee Steaming in the Morning...

How quiet the morning is
fog swirling through the trees
gray light settles around me
the fresh smell of morning
tickles my nose
as I take in a deep breath
and sigh.
Another day beginning

I long to sit in the quiet
the fog kissing my face
the birds huddling in the cold
the cats sitting on
the cement sidewalk
fur puffed,
eyes closed against the cool morning.
A cup of coffee in my hand
and time…

Drinking in the peace
the solitude
the quiet beauty
of the moment.

That moment before
time wakes
and chaos breaks
the silence.

Beauty fades
with the fog
and life intrudes.

Another day
another dollar
bends my back
with it’s weight.

Spirals...

Slowly circling the perimeter
touching every surface
feeling every crack
in the stone walls
that surround me
that keep closing in.

Darkness follows my feet
softly flowing under them,
whispering it’s secrets
so no one can hear.

Memories reach for me
filtering in through the dark
picture fragments
floating just out of touch
they pass by.

Searching for the door
that leads to the light
away from the whispers
the memories
the clutching fingers
of desperation
and fear.

Hang over you left me with...

Complex, convoluted, corrupted
destroyed, dethroned, demanding
undercover, understated, underrated
slipping through my fingers
like last night’s dreams of you.

Dreams of you that filter through
a fog of Celexa and sleep
reaching out for me
they keep
me unstable
and completely unable
to move.

Is it you or someone
I dreamt of
being you?

Twisted in the bed sheets
caught in the sleep
I reach for you
but you were just a dream.
So far away from the truth
just out of reach.
Too foggy, to far removed
from the universe where you shine.

I can still smell your soap on my pillow
feel your skin on my skin
your heart beating inside of mine.
A dream, just a dream.

I long for your stories
your arms around my shoulders
the laugh in your voice
the little boy in your blue eyes.
A dream, just a dream
you keep slipping away…
slipping away with the dawning light.

Daggers

Your words are like daggers
reaching into my heart
cutting through
to the center
of where it beats.
Each syllable takes
another slice
and the blood flows…

And my soul
rises up
stretching, reaching
longing for
the next sound

Swirling through
the atmosphere
until it finds the
next verse
the next rhyme
the next couplet

Soaring through the simplicity
the pure emotion
it had long ago locked away…

I can’t drink it all in
it runs down my chin
my heart beats
faster with every
drop that hits
the ground..

A heart awakened
by words,
a pure, sweet voice
and a cacophony of sound
now beats unfettered
by the defeats
of this world…

Heartbeat

Pictures move
swirling twirling dancing around my head
fighting for first place
bright colors shouting for attention.
Faded memories slipping past
catching the light
for a moment
then tumbling away
like a whisper.
Eyes, twinkling in the light
like stars
deep pools of
color.
So captivating
I want to drown in them.

The sound of your heart
beating beneath my fingers
keeps me safe
reminds me that I am alive….

Time

Step through time
drifting back among
the ruins that line my memory
snippets and portraits pass
through the corridors..
a child wanders, lost
in the maze that surrounds her
wondering where
she stepped off the path
and why no one noticed.

Searching for the hand
to guide her
to show her the light
to show her the way out…
the way back to herself
because now she is grown
but still wanders
wondering if anyone
will ever take her home…

First post....

This space is a place to ramble, grumble and express...
Both you and I.....