Of All the Gin Joints in all the Towns....

On Turning 50...

2010-11-06T23:27:00.000-07:00

It’s funny to actually be 50 years old. Somehow, I never thought I’d get here. It always seemed so far away! But here I am, I’ve been 50 for one day. Nothing really feels different, but I’m definitely wiser than I was a year ago. So, seems like time for another “things I’ve learned”….

Tomorrow usually is a better day.

Friends are those people who only want the best for you; who love you even when you screw up; celebrate your victories large and small; tell you the truth; and if you do something stupid, even after they told you it was stupid they will still give you a hug and let you cry on their shoulder.

Kindness gets you a lot farther than bullying

I know I’ve said this before but in the light what’s happened lately, do not walk around barefoot or you will step on a slug.

Keep the past in the past. It will only mess up your future.

Be careful who you put your trust in. Not everyone is worthy of it.

Love your kids unconditionally and let them go when it’s time.

The hardest thing in the world is losing your mom… or your dad… OK that’s not true. The hardest thing in the world is losing your child…

When you have a brilliant idea, write it down right away.

People really do tell you who they are. You need to listen. They aren’t kidding.

A hug from your kid makes everything better. So does a purring kitty in your lap.

Taking chances is often worth it, even if you fall on your face.

Feel the fear and do it anyway… but have a back up plan… But you really can do it…

Change is constant. Get used to it.

A person’s anger is something to pay attention to. Especially if they start hitting things.

If your relationship has to be a secret, get out now. Nothing good can come of that. And you probably aren’t “the one”.

Trust your own judgment…. well, I should say, trust your instincts. Sometimes the judgment part is a little off but your instincts will never let you down.

Love makes us blind, sex makes us stupid.

Yes, I really did just say that… And that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.

The best thing you can do for someone is to be their soft place they can fall.

An encouraging word can change someone’s life.

As my dad always told me, a writer writes.

If you can find your passion and make it your life’s work, you can’t go wrong. If you can’t make it your life’s work, do it anyway. It will feed your soul.

When your dad shows your writing to an MIT technical writing professor then arranges a luncheon with them, it’s because he loves you and has faith in you. It wasn’t to embarrass the hell out of you. (Thanks Dad)

Be grateful.

Stop and smell the roses. They won’t last forever.

In a divorce, the kids’ well being is the only thing that matters. Try to be civil to each other. If you’re lucky, you’ll end up being good friends.

Lead by example not by dogma. It will leave you with good karma. (Sorry, couldn’t resist)

Laugh a lot but cry once in awhile. It’s OK, really.

We never have our parents long enough. We’re never ready for them to go. And it’s really hard to move on without them. (Remember dad, you aren’t allowed to die now)

Everyone is beautiful even if you have to look to find it.

Everyone loves to get mail that isn’t a bill. Send a card, you’ll make someone smile.

There is always something new to learn. Be open to it.

Hate is harder to overcome that love.

Moms love handmade gifts. Draw her a picture or knit her a scarf. Whatever it is you do, she will love it. (Even when it’s a felt slug with teeth or a uterus stuffy)

I will never be 5’10 AND blonde. I’ve had to get over it. So should you.

It’s OK to wear glasses. It doesn’t mean you’re frumpy. It means you can’t see.

Snoring is not a character flaw. It’s just annoying.

Go to your doctor. I know, you hate going to the doctor. It can save your life.

Despite what they tell you, everything is not related to your age or your weight. And if they insist that it is, get a second opinion.

Dogs are always happy to see you. Cats are always ready to be fed.

Take long walks just avoid short piers.

Take your camera everywhere. You never know when you’ll come across that perfect shot.

Even with all it’s pitfalls and potholes, life is good; give it all you’ve got. You may not get another chance…

Predators...

2010-07-31T01:25:00.000-07:00

I've been using the word "predator" a lot lately. This is because my life has been attacked by such a creature and he has taken down so many of my friends with him. Last night in a conversation over coffee with a friend I was given a revelation. And it was this:

There are more than one kind of predators. There is a shark, a perfect killing machine that trolls the water and with powerful jaws seeks out it's prey. It has no agenda other than killing to eat and to survive. It is an honest and honorable creature that kills to survive and doesn't play games. It has a purpose and when we see this type of predator, we know to beware. These are creatures that while have no conscience per se, kill quickly and without malice.

There is another kind of predator though. This is the predator that has no power of it's own. It has to feed off the remains of weak and vulnerable creatures. It has to live on the left-overs that the sharks of this world leave behind. This predator is like the hyena, a scavenger that seeks out the weak and the sick, the dying and the vulnerable. It feeds on carrion because it is not powerful or clever enough to kill the strong and healthy.The hyena sneaks in and steals it's prey. It is not honest nor is it noble. It has the same powerful jaws and gnashing teeth but it is forced to live off the droppings of the more powerful predators. The hyena is so impotent that it has to get what it needs by sneaking and stealing what it wants. It has no power to make it's own living so it steals from those who's defenses have been weakened by the world. This creature lives in it's own filth surrounded by the stench of it's stolen prey.

This creature in it's human form has no conscience. Unlike the shark who kills only to sustain itself, the hyena cannot kill and so must steal and connive to survive...

It is this hyena that has come in and attacked me and my friends. This hyena who laughs to make us feel safe, who hides his crushing jaws and his carrion-stained breath with pretty words and empty promises. It is this hyena who hides behind the women he is circling to protect him from being exposed for the predator that he truly is. He has fed off the carcasses of women who have been broken and crushed by the world and with no conscience he eats the remaining flesh from these bones and when the flesh is used up, he moves on to the next carcass.

This hyena was so sure of himself and so arrogant and so convinced that these "carcasses" were under his spell that he underestimated a few of us. He underestimated our humanness and compassion for each other that when his stench became clear, we shared his ugly secrets. He was found out and has had to slink away to hide behind another's skirts, one who still cannot see nor smell his filth.

And this hyena is still out there, prowling and circling, choosing his next victims. So beware this hyena who looks like a puppy dog. Take care to look behind those engaging eyes and see the predator that lurks there. Take care to see past the pretty words and compliments to the underlying snares that exist waiting to catch you, like they caught me and so many others. And do not be fooled by the bluster of his accomplishments, for they are empty at best. Don't be fooled by his sly whispers and unspoken threats. He smells your weakness through the screen and knows just when to strike...

Breaking down

2010-06-05T20:06:00.001-07:00

Long knock-down

drag out

days

of waiting

wondering

what does it all

mean…

Pulled in one

direction

led in another

pushed behind

toppled over…

I waited

you gave

hope

your words

telling me

it would all

worked

out

We’ll pull it off

make it work

one foot in

front of the

other

making something

rational

of it all

hang on

hold on

let go

come back

I need

she needs

no time

time’s running out

not enough

plenty left

plus me

no comment

back off

check it out

together

we’re wonderful

we’re

too

far

apart

Come now

wait awhile

first things first

a car

a job

a home

unstable

unable

life’s in flux

just my luck

you don’t

call

you

promised

you

would

I know you heard me

ring

I know you did

Left me

hanging

waiting

planning

kept it quiet

should have run

had so much to

say

so much to

give

They said

He may be

handsome

but he’s

stupid

doesn’t know

what

he’s

passing

good woman

good mind

big heart

kind soul

actions speak

louder than words

and the silence

is deafening…

I’ve heard it all before…

Things I learned the hard way

2010-06-01T21:42:00.001-07:00

When you don’t take your clothes off the line, it will rain… all night… oh, your dryer will be broken too.

When you have a car with a funky radiator, always carry water.

If you use the wrong kitty litter, they will go on the floor until you get the right kind.

If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

When you rush out the door, you will forget your coupon and will have to pay full price for that yarn you just can’t live without.

The truth will set you free.

No matter how many stupid mistakes you make, your true friends will look past them and still love you.

Honesty is the best policy.

When they replace the copier at work, you will, at least once, make 50 copies of ten page booklets, stapled and hole-punched with nothing on them. And you will do this when the boss walks by.

When you can’t count on yourself, you can count on your friends.

The day you wear that heavy sweater to work, the clouds will break and you will have record heat.

The one time in five years you mail your rent check from your mail box instead of the post office, it will get stolen.

When you can avoid it, it’s best not to make enemies.

Always turn on the light before you walk barefoot into the kitchen, especially if you have a slug problem.

Sometimes the high road is more painful but it is always the best choice.

Cats will hide hairballs as surprises for you. Usually in the underwear you were too lazy to put away.

When you walk down the driveway and read your mail simultaneously, you will slip on that patch of pine needles that you meant to sweep up.

If you’re going to fall, you will fall in the street or parking lot…and people will not stop to help…unless of course it’s the 95 year-old lady with the cane.

The day you finally get up the guts to wear that expensive blouse, you will spill coffee on it and not just a little, but the whole cup…and it will be in the front where you can’t hide it…and it will be too busy to go home and change.

It’s a bad idea to pour laundry soap in the washer when your hands are wet.

If the foaming soap says one pump will do, one pump will do.

Always look to make sure that brownie you are about to eat isn’t moving… ants love brownies.

When you get on an elevator with a cup of coffee with no lid in a correctional facility, they will close the door on you spilling coffee down your shirt. They will apologize but you can hear the rest of the staff laughing in the background. That’s when you remember you are always on camera in a correctional facility.

When you have to go around and collect papers from students, you will see one of them picking their nose right before they hand you their paper…

When your boss asks you to delete every file except the s1 file, you will delete the s1 file.

It's good to laugh at yourself and your situation now and again...it keeps your humanness and your sense of joy through the tough times...

Thanks so much to all my wonderful friends who help me get through... you are all loved...

Valentine’s Day Blues Shawl

2010-02-21T17:12:00.001-08:00

Or how I fought off the it’s Valentine’s Day, I’m all alone again blues…

So, my sweetie was in New York on a business trip and I was all alone on Valentine’s Day this year. I decided that instead of feeling bad I was going to do something new and fun and for myself. Thus was born the following project.

I have never made a shawl before, being intimidated by the triangular shape, lace and many other daunting looking things that make up a shawl. I had been looking for years for just the right pattern to try out and on that February 13th, found the one I wanted to try. It is a simple triangle shape with no lace and no complicated pattern repeats. It’s a shawlette (meaning a small shawl) and I had some yarn I thought would look good in the pattern. I had the needles and so thought what the heck.

The pattern is called Boneyard and I found it here. Looked simple and can be made in pretty much any type of yarn with a simple needle size adjustment. So, on the evening of February 13, 2010 I cast on the first 5 stitches.

Here was my progress by the end of Valentine’s Day:

I made good progress and it was a good distraction from feeling lonely on that day.

I kept it up, worked on it in my spare time at night after work. I still wasn’t sure what I was really doing with the triangle shape and about two more repeats I figured out I was knitting it top down! Now I got it! It made sense to me at last. The fancy borders that have made me drool but have stopped me cold from trying those lacy shawls are done last!

So I kept going, being encouraged and urged on by my knitting friends and compadres on Plurk. Then Friday I hit a wall of depression. I hadn’t hit this kind of depression in years, the kind where you are afraid to say anything because they may make you go “see someone”. I haven’t felt so alone in a very long time. This is the kind of depression that is robbing me of sleep and the ability to eat. The one person I needed the most was completely out of reach with no way to ask for help and support. This is the kind of depression that I worry about because it is paralyzing.

But sitting on the couch next to me, buried under the box of Kleenex was my knitting. My shawl that I had been diligently working on all week. I really didn’t feel like doing it but I picked it up. Might as well do something other than stare at the TV, the computer screen and weep.

As I began to settle into the rhythm of the needles clicking and the yarn slipping through my fingers, I began to feel a small bit of peace. I felt my breathing slow down and my heart beat become regular. My mind was able to relax and focus on the patterns and colors that were emerging as I knit. I thought about my mother and how it comforted me to see her knit and now knew why. I’m sure she got the same sense of peace that I do. Mom’s birthday is coming up this week and I still miss her so much. Knitting connects me to her, I can feel her hands on my shoulders as I learn new things.

So I threw myself into this shawl and knit until late in the evening. I had one eye on the Olympics and the computer and one eye on the needles. I made significant progress and thought to myself, I can finish this tomorrow if I work on it all day.

Sleep was fitful and I found myself up and checking the phone at 4:50 am. Still no messages. I got up thinking how am I going to get through another day. I was out of coffee so I fed the cat, made some instant and settled down to knit. Finally heard from the sweetie only to hear that I wouldn’t be hearing his voice for awhile longer. I walked up to the store, got some real coffee, bagels and of course, cat food.

Then I sat down with my fresh coffee, and began to knit. I knit through out the morning and got to the point where it was time to bind off. I decided to try something else new and looked up the picot bind off technique. I thought what the heck, and started to bind off using this new technique. Turns out it was easy and by lunch time, I was half way through. I should have counted the final stitches to see how many there actually were.

After lunch I kept going and low and behold, I finished it! I actually felt excited and had to post to my Plurk friends that I finally completed it! Of course, I took pictures and posted those too.

So, the depression is still here and still pretty crippling. Don’t know how I’m going to do work tomorrow, but I suppose I will. One minute at a time as they say.

But the whole point of this is that I have one tool in my basket. My knitting; just some yarn and a couple of sticks. It let me be inside my skin while taking me away to a calmer place. To a place where it didn’t matter what I look like, whether I do or say the right things, whether I am a good person or worth the time. It was just about the work, just about the process of yarning over and slipping the stitches from one needle to the next and watching the yarn turn into something beautiful and useful. It doesn’t matter that at the moment I feel like I am neither…

Technorati Tags: heartsapocolypse,knitting,shawl,depression,mother,despair,broken hearted

A Spark

2010-02-15T20:53:00.001-08:00

A friend asked me today if I have been writing lately. I had to say no, I really haven’t and when asked why, had to take a good look at that question.

Why haven’t I been writing? It used to flow from my fingers with ease and not a lot of agony or thought. So what’s happened?

I sit down to write and I feel this presence sitting behind me watching every key stroke. I feel this sense of disapproval looming over me and I feel frozen. I seem to have lost the freedom I felt when the words flowed so easily. I now think about the placement of every word, space, every hard return. Am I spacing things properly, will these words provoke anger or disapproval or worse, will they be ignored…

So there it is… will they be ignored…

When I write, it really is a message from my heart, from deep within me. I don’t know where the words come from but when they do come, know they are truth and not meant for only me. I can’t really explain it any better than that. It’s an intuitive process, not one that I think out ahead of time. I don’t do outlines or make copious notes. Sometimes I write a few words down then they come to me and I know they are meant to be written.

Yet now when I sit down to write, I feel fear. I feel stiff, choked, and muzzled. Am I moving backward in my life? Am I letting something steal my voice again? I fought so hard to get this back and here I am letting it be taken away again… I know this is all personal, ugly stuff and isn’t uplifting or positive but I have to write it.

I just now realized that I have felt that I can’t publicly write anything that doesn’t look on the bright side, that doesn’t get summed up with a sunny disposition, looking for and finding the silver lining. I just now came to the conclusion that this is not real. It is not truth and it is not me. I can’t write freely if I have to worry about what someone thinks about the words. I can’t worry about whether the words be ignored, I just need to write…

Thanks Marjie for the spark, the encouragement and for the reminder of what this really means to me… <3

Spring, elusive spring

2010-02-03T18:56:00.000-08:00

Spring is beginning to pop it's head out from under the covers. In my walking to and from various bus stops, I am seeing those harbingers of spring, bright with promise and hope. Nature's way of bringing light to the dark days of winter.

Here are some I've found that I'd like to share with you...

I hope you find some spring beauty on your travels too.

Meeting Dawn

2009-12-26T07:24:00.000-08:00

Standing in that moment

between light and dark

between night and morning

that precipice between

yesterday and today…

I stand naked

on the edge of the world

head thrown back

arms flung wide

heart beating and open

waiting for light

And in that moment

feeling yesterday

slip away

I throw myself

on the wings

a new

day

and I soar

made new again

meeting the sun…

Weary of the dance

2009-11-16T18:26:00.001-08:00

I put on my prettiest smile

my very best shoes

my loveliest dress

smooth it down with my hands

and I move

swaying

dipping

twirling

spinning

flipping

swirling

somersaults

hands in the air

feet off the ground

gliding

bending

a pirouette or two

faster and slower

forward and back

whirling

leaping

flying in circles

only to find

in my very best moment

no one is watching…

The story of the purple purse…

2009-11-14T20:02:00.001-08:00

There is a story behind this purple purse. It’s probably a bit silly and will not make sense to some of you. It does, however, represent another step on the path in my journey.

For years, I have had trouble treating myself to things I like. I only buy practical things for myself that I need. It was (and is) easy for me to buy things on a whim for the people that I love but very difficult for me to do the same for myself. I think it comes from being “last on the list”.

What is “last on the list’? Last on the list means just what it says. Other peoples needs are met first and if there is any left over (which there rarely is), it’s your turn. I am not blaming anyone but myself for this, I willingly put myself there. I enabled and even encouraged other people to put me there too.

When I got divorced about 5 years ago, everyone kept asking me “What do you want?”. I was dumbfounded because I couldn’t answer that question. I truly didn’t know.

I had spent my life wanting what other people wanted me to want. Wanting to make sure my family had what it needed, that my child was healthy and happy and the same for my husband. This women’s libber turned out to be a 1950’s housewife.

Is that a bad thing? No, it wasn’t. But what happened in the process is that I lost myself. I put who I was and what I wanted on the shelf and turned my attention to doing for others. I loved being a wife and mother, it felt like it was what I was born to be. But when the marriage failed, I was left with having to find that shelf where I put myself and my dreams.

I still haven’t found all of me and all of my dreams. I still can’t completely answer that question although I am making progress.

So where does the purple purse come in? I really needed to get myself a new purse. I went to the mall and was looking for a plain, black, nondescript purse, the kind I usually get.

I couldn’t find one. They all had big metal decorations or were made of some weird material. I just couldn’t find the right purse. I spotted this purple one and really liked it. It wasn’t black and it wasn’t practical so I didn’t even pick it up.

I must have spent an hour trying to pick out a good old black purse. I kept walking by the purple one but not seriously considering that I could buy that one.

I finally walked over to it and decided to see if they had that style in black. They didn’t. While I was looking I picked up that purple one and it dawned on me. Why can’t I buy the purple one? Who says it has to be boring and practical. This one had tons of room, had some nice of pockets and was comfortable to wear and it was 40% off. The very best thing about it was it was purple.

Before I could talk myself out of it I marched to the check out counter with my 40% off purple purse, $10 off card in hand. I waited in line, fighting the urge to go put it back. It was my turn and the gal rang up my purchase, took the discount off and put my purchase in a bag.

As I walked out of the store I felt such a sense of freedom stepping out from the back of the line and putting myself in first place. I realized that my life doesn’t have to be filled with practical black purses but can be filled with purple, red or green purses.

When I was first thinking about this, I felt sad that I had spent so much of my life living like this. Then I realized what a gift it was to be able to take that first step towards a better life, a freer life and one filled with purple purses…

Reflections…

2009-11-11T17:13:00.001-08:00

I have been collecting these kinds of inspirational sayings and quotes for a while now and thought I’d put them together to share. These are just a few that moved me today…

“The heart that gives, gathers” ~Marianne Moore

“Burn brightly without burning out.” ~Richard Briggs

“Sometimes in the winds of change, we find our true direction” ~Unknown

“Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day, saying... I will try again tomorrow.” ~Mary Ann Radmacher

“The best sermons are lived, not preached~ Cowboy Wisdom

“The only things that stand between a person and what they want in life are the will to try and the fait to believe it's possible.” ~Rich Devos

“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” ~Robert Brault

“To love and to be loved is to see the sun from both sides.” ~ David Viscott

“Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.” ~ Mother Teresa

“Throw your heart over the fence and the rest will follow.” ~Norman Vincent Peale

Silver lining my ass…

2009-10-18T11:30:00.001-07:00

When did I become the person that is obligated to find the silver lining in everything? The one who has to always end on a happy note? The one who bolsters others and shows them the positive hidden in the negative? Just when the hell did that happen?

I am always the one to say how grateful I am for things, how everything will be OK and to just keep plugging along because things will turn around soon. How many times I have I started a sentence with “At least I have…”?

Whatever…

The reality is that sometimes life just sucks. Loneliness and depression win out. There isn’t enough money, energy or time to do the things you need to do let alone what you want to do. Every time a step forward is taken, someone or something shoves you back two until you grow weary of trying and just stand in the same place for awhile.

The ones you love are too far away, too busy or just not available. Family scatters and grows distant as their lives grow and change which I suppose, is how it always is. Growth and change are what life is about…

Being alone is a catch –22. It’s peaceful after a busy and highly populated work week but isolating when you need some support or even just a hug.

Times like this I am tempted to unplug. To turn off the computer, the phone, the lights and just climb into bed and pull up the covers with a box of Kleenex and just let go.

But, I don’t. Why? Because life is basically good. Things aren’t perfect, far from it. Sure, I’m lonely, insecure and wishing someone would walk through the door and hug me and take care of me but that’s only today. Tomorrow might bring something different and I’m too curious not to see what that might be.

I guess I just needed to express this. My mother used to call it stomping my foot. Yeah, I feel like I’m six years old and screaming “but that’s not fair!”. I guess that is a lesson I’ll never stop learning.

And look! The sun is coming out!

An “a-ha” moment…

2009-07-06T20:35:00.001-07:00

I have been under a lot of stress lately what with the possibility of losing my job hanging over my head these last couple of months. This last week the dreaded layoff notice arrived via certified mail and it all hit home. I think that tipped the scales for me.

I hadn’t been able to sleep for at least a week and hadn’t been able to eat in days. By this weekend I was running on fumes. So I was in this state when I treated my very best friend in a terrible manner. I didn’t realize how stressed out and unable to cope I was. I was out of control and didn’t realize it.

I finally collapsed Saturday night and got the first good night’s sleep I'd had in weeks. When I woke up Sunday morning and realized how I’d behaved, I was so embarrassed. I immediately wrote to my friend and apologized. My friend said no apologies were necessary but of course, they were.

That afternoon I realized that I’d stopped doing the things that helped me to relieve stress. I’d be so tired when I’d get home I’d just collapse in front of the computer or the TV and do nothing. I realized l hadn’t picked up my knitting needles in a couple of weeks.

So I got the new yarn I had bought a couple of weeks ago and cast on a hat. It’s just a very simple pattern that requires little thought. Within about 20 minutes I realized that I had started to relax. My body wasn’t so tense anymore and my mind was wandering to pleasant places. I began to notice the feel of my needles in my hands and the way the way the yarn slid through my fingers. I began to relax into the rhythm of the needles as I worked the stitches, knit two, purl two. I found myself breathing more deeply, and enjoying myself. I was finally relaxed. I was actually smiling!

It was then in that moment that I realized how much I needed to do this. How much I needed to take care of myself. I had forgotten how important it is to do something to feed your soul, to replenish that which is leached away from us during everyday living.

So despite things not being settled, I woke up feeling good this morning and found myself smiling easily at people once again. I was able to see the value of what I am doing even if it may end soon. I can still make other people’s lives easier and be encouraging to them even if my own situation is precarious right now. I laughed a lot today and it felt really good.

So the lesson here, the “a-ha” moment is feed your soul. Find something that you can do to refill what the world takes from you. Read, write, play music, garden, walk, play with your dog, kiss your sweetie or knit. What you do isn’t important, it’s just important that you do something. Your world will be a better, easier place and your journey through it will be smoother.

Where did my girly girl go?

2009-06-14T18:16:00.001-07:00

I have come to realize that I have been hiding my “girly” side for most of my life. What do I mean by girly side? Well, my feminine side, the side that likes nail polish, make up, wearing dresses, wearing perfume and loving flowers and stuffed animals.

So what’s the big deal? Why is this not something that comes naturally to me, a female?

I began thinking about it this morning as I was doing my nails, something that I’ve just started to do again. I was thinking, is this really worth all the trouble? It’s just clear nail polish, no one will even notice it. This is a big waste of time.

And I thought, why? Why is this a big waste of time? Why can’t I just do this for fun, because I like it?

From the time I can remember, I had a boy’s name, a boy’s haircut and despite my wearing dresses to school, I was made fun of and called a boy. It became a pattern in my life that I have never known how to break out of.

I was about 8 years old and being raised in the Catholic church, I went through the classes to have my first communion. The final ceremony was a big deal. The girls had to wear these very frilly white dresses, white patent leather shoes and a veil, sort of like a mini bridal outfit. At the end of the ceremony, we were to stand in lines according to gender. I waited with all the other girls for my certificate. They read all the names and mine was not there. They told me I must have been put in the boy’s group and had to go wait in the boy’s line for my certificate. There I was in this fluffy, frilly white dress, my white patent leather Mary-Janes and my veil waiting in the boys line for my certificate.

I was 13. I had just put on my very first make-up and was coming down the stairs when my dad very innocently says “what’s that all over your face, you look like a raccoon”. My dad loves me. He is a loving father that took care of me and has been on my side since the day I was born, and always will be. The reality is that the words we say to our children do matter and can sting.

Thinking about these stories, I realized that was the exact moment that I put away my feminine side.

After that, I stopped wearing dresses, make up and became a tomboy. I went from dresses to Levi’s , and tee-shirts. I began to hide my body which was betraying me by developing too early.

I put away my girly side because I didn’t understand it. It was so much easier to be a tomboy that I embraced it completely. Now, I wasn’t the tree climbing tomboy but just dressed in men’s levis and tee-shirts and overalls. I chopped my hair off short and became a tough cookie. I didn’t fight physically but boy could I skewer a person with words.

I became one of the guys. I could out swear, out joke and eventually out drink most of the boys I knew. I didn’t see my self as a girl so why should anyone else? It was a defense mechanism and a way to fit in. The guys all liked me because I could handle the potty humor and could keep up with the sarcastic patter they tossed around. They didn’t need to impress me because I wasn’t really a girl, but just another guy.

This has continued throughout most of my life. Even today I think I come across as not very feminine. It’s become just the way I am.

My femininity has taken a couple of serious hits as an adult and I found myself diving back into that tomboy thing.

A couple of years ago a friend and I were talking about how his son would sometimes get bored when he would have to tag along with the girlfriend to the mall to get her nails done. I said “Well, he won’t have to worry about that with me, I don’t do all that girly stuff”. That friend stopped and questioned me about my statement. He called me on how negative I was about feminine things. I had never really thought about it but he was right. Girly things were for other girls not for me. I had failed at that and so didn’t feel it was an option for me.

Slowly over the last few years I’ve tried to open up that side of myself. I have done some very deliberate things like let my hair grow long, and dragging out my stuffed animals again. I’ve come to realize with the help of that friend, being feminine, a woman is a very powerful thing and something I want to embrace. It has changed the way I see myself and how I see the world. I’m not perfect at it yet, after all there are 48 years of tapes to erase from my head. I still don’t wear very feminine clothes and I still fall into that “one of the guys” mode more often than I’d like it’s what I know. I don’t feel like I have to compete with other women because I’m one of the guys instead. I’m safe, harmless like a little sister not an honest-to-god woman.

There is one person who gets to see the woman side of me, one person I feel safe with, that won’t belittle me if I don’t do it perfectly. Instead with this person I am encouraged to grab it, embrace it and immerse myself in it.

So will I ever find that lost girly girl? I don’t know if I ever will but I’m trying to open myself to the possibility that she isn’t gone, she’s just hiding out. That some day, I’ll feel safe enough to let her out so she can have her turn. For now, we do the dance and compromise. I let her put on nail polish and she lets me be a tomboy once in awhile.

Observations of human behavior

2009-05-06T21:48:00.001-07:00

Whenever I hear someone cough or sneeze at work or on the bus, I want to yell "SWINE FLU".
Sarcasm is lost on some people.
Why do women think it's OK to yell at and publicly ridicule their men? And why do those men put up with it? And vice versa.
Why is it that some women think the only way they can get help is to speak in a whiny, baby voice and act helpless? Don't they know how annoying that is?
What part of "print your name" don't you understand?
Why is it that after you tell someone you don't have what they want, they keep asking for it?
Why do people feel compelled to keep asking the same question in different ways? Do they really expect me not to know what they are doing?
Or do they expect me to be worn down and give them what they want?
Why do people feel it's OK to yell across the room when they have a question?
Why do they ask for your opinion when they are just going to say, I don't think that's right?
Do I have a target on my forehead? Why in the last week have I been accosted three times at the bus stop by people whose gender is indefinable?
Why do people who don't know you feel it's OK to touch you in public? Or call you sweetheart?
Does the fact that I am wearing headphones and reading a book not make it clear I don't want to talk to you?
Do you really expect to get good service after you are the customer from hell?
Why is it ok for you to be a jerk but if I tell you that's not something we can do here, you go and complain and try to get me fired?
Do you realize you are talking on your cell phone while sitting under the sign that says please step outside to answer your cell phone?
When you smell like a pot plant, it will be harder to get a job.
You said what?!? And you're surprised she told you off?
No, that tattoo that says" fuck you" across your forehead won't keep you from getting a public service job.
Yeah, no one has used cocksucker as their password and then forgotten it and had have someone your mother's age look it up for you.
Hotsexymama@whatever.com is not a professional email address.
Wouldn't you rather put "customer service" than "service customers" on your list of job skills?
Sometimes the only thing that works is being a broken record.
Excellent communication skills does not include using profanity every third word.
No, Internet and email are not the same thing.
Isn't it Friday yet?

They say you can't go home again...

2009-03-31T19:33:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I had the opportunity to spend a little time in the town where I went to college. It is just the next town up, about 7 miles from where I live.

This college town is home to Humboldt State University, is "green" and is smack dab in the middle of the "Emerald Triangle". They have an All Species Day parade, hippie festivals and farmer's markets in the summer. In other words, it's groovy.

I had to ride the bus to get to my destination. This is not something new for me as mass transit is my current mode of transportation. But riding the bus in this little town is unlike any bus ride I have ever taken.

This bus has classical music playing in it. They are broadcasting the University radio station, the unmistakable groovy D.J. breaking in to give us the local happenings.

At the University stop hordes of kids, yes, to me they are kids, get on. Most look to be in their very early twenties, toting backpacks, cell phones and iPods. They chatter on as the bus takes off, sharing seats and some standing on the over-full bus.

I was struck by their energy. I'm not talking about bouncing off the walls energy but their quiet energy. The energy that comes from youth. Bright, unlined faces smiling and talking, sharing ideas and laughs, philosophy lessons and making plans for the evening ahead.

I was particularly taken by a young man and young woman who were making some kind of connection on that crowded, noisy bus. They sat across from each other, apparently continuing a conversation started at the bus stop. He was probably in his early twenties, blonde with a full beard and a great smile. He had intelligent blue eyes that shone when he smiled, which he did often.

She was petite with short blonde hair pulled back into a cute pony tail, beautiful skin and nice blue-gray eyes. She leaned into his words and spoke animatedly with her hands and had a quick smile that flashed in her eyes.

Pretty soon it was time for her stop and they said good bye and she got off the bus. He waved to her as we drove by her.

I was fascinated by the interaction of these two people. It reminded me of how vital we were at that age, with the whole world open to us, our whole lives in front of us. How open we are before we are beaten down and scarred by our lives. By the disappointments, tragedies and monotony that can become everyday life. Before we become tired by the routines and challenges we face every day that wear us down and make us lose that spark.

Watching those two people connect on that level that existed before you learn to hide your heart and be suspicious of every new connection, reminded me that life is full. Life is full of chances and choices. Chances for new opportunities, relationships, and connections. Choices to be made that will open us up or close us down to these new experiences that will perhaps set us on a new, exciting path. A path we are meant to fulfil and perhaps exceed.

So, maybe you can't go home again but it sure is nice to be able to visit for awhile.

And it makes me wonder...

2008-09-21T15:35:00.001-07:00

There is a beautiful young woman who works at the little store up the street from my house. She is radiantly beautiful, with a reddish pixie haircut, beautiful, porcelain skin and big expressive eyes behind modern chunky glasses. She is always friendly, very bright and forever engaging. I look at her and I see youth, promise, future and destiny.

There was a day when I looked in the mirror and saw those same things; youth, promise, future and destiny. These days I see broken promises, wasted years, age and destiny denied. This is not written as a negative but as an observation of the cycle of life.

When my daughter lived with me, I saw these qualities in her everyday. I see nothing but a bright future full of promise and excitement when I look into her face. I could feel those emotions and realities everyday and lived vicariously through that. It enabled me to not see myself in the stage of life where I actually exist.

The point of all of this is that even though I don't see a young, fresh-faced girl ready to take on the world in the mirror anymore, all I have to do is look around me. I am surrounded by youth and beauty and promise and future.

And this is how it should be. We get that fresh-faced life for awhile and then we develop wrinkles, gray hair and disappointment. And in return we develop wisdom, something that is not fleeting, and serves us well in the long run.

So look around you and enjoy the beauty and youth that you see, be that in a person, an object or just the glory of nature that we are so lucky to be a part of...

This is some birthday gift...

2008-09-15T21:15:00.001-07:00

I am receiving a unique gift for my 48th birthday this year. A hysterectomy. That's right, I'll be having surgery on my birthday.

This really is a gift though it may not appear to be. For years I have suffered with this mess. I've tried every option and they have all failed. Turns out, this is the only thing that will give me any relief.

And now that it is a reality, I'm scared. Not so much about the surgery or the pain or even the anesthesia. This is not my first surgery. But it is my first surgery since I've been alone.

I guess what I am scared about is waking up in the hospital and being alone. All my friends work and so I will be coming out of surgery and there will be no one there. I am feeling really scared about that.

I've had surgery twice before and there were people that I knew loved me standing at my bedside when I began to wake up. I know I was groggy and incoherent and not awake for very long but just seeing their faces let me know I was OK and that everything was going to be OK.

I know this sounds so silly. It's really not that big a deal. Why is this bothering me so much?

I think that it is bringing home the point that I am alone. When it really comes down to it, I am alone. My mom is gone, my dad is two states away and my daughter is one state away. There is no one that I can really count on to be here with me.

Now I sound like I'm just whining... What's so interesting to me is that I've always had a fear of being alone. I've had to face this fear in the last five years and have been doing quite well with it. I've been alone and surprise, it's not so bad. For some reason this is different.

Perhaps it's feeling so vulnerable and having to depend on other people. I'm not used to that. I'm used to doing things for myself and not having to depend much on other folks. A friend is taking me into her home for that first week out of the hospital. I suppose there is a lesson here that I am supposed to learn, and that is that it's OK to need people.

Just two more ironies: my ride to the hospital? My ex-husband. The face I will probably see when I wake up, my ex-mother-in-law. She's been the face I've seen through the groggy haze of anesthesia twice before and to her, I'm still family...

So as always, the silver lining to the cloud. I may feel alone but really, I'm far from it. While my closest family and loved ones may not be here, I have the next best thing. And even though I sometimes forget, I am loved.

The little old ladies are trying to jump me into their gang...

2008-09-06T17:44:00.001-07:00

Little old ladies have always liked me.

There is a group of little old ladies that ride the bus on Saturdays. They probably ride the bus on other days too but I have noticed a particular group of them on Saturdays.

I have always admired these little old ladies. They are spunky, full of life and don't take any crap from anyone. These women have probably seen it all in their lives. War, peace, The Depression, the boom in the 1950's, the advancing of technology and the demise of the traditional family.

I look at their wrinkled faces and white hair and see in their sparkling eyes wisdom. These gals (my daughter calls them broads, a real compliment coming from her) live active, full lives. They have friends and meet at the Mall for lunch. They keep track of each other and take care of each other when one is in need. I look at them and hope I can live like that someday. They live with joy and freedom, surrounded by friends.

Today for some reason, they reached out to me. By this I mean they included me in their conversation. I was the first one to the stop and one of the ladies walked up and said hello. She then said "Wouldn't it be nice if they could put a bench here?" It was the first time any of these women have spoken to me other than to say hello.

We proceeded to have a long conversation about the neighborhood. She'd lived in this neighborhood her whole life. She told me about the changes she'd seen in that time.

When the bus came, we got on and she met her friend. She said to me "would you like to sit here with us?" I gladly took the offered seat and we chatted until we got to the Mall. When they got off the bus they told me to take care and to have a good day.

These women inspire me to remember that while my youth is passing, some would say it has passed, there is more to look forward to. Yes, that includes wrinkles, gray hair (been there done that), achy bones and more visits to the doctor. But it also includes friends. wisdom and the freedom to wear purple...

WARNING by Jenny Joseph
When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people's gardens . . .
But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

A new friend

2008-08-10T18:38:00.001-07:00

I have been living alone now for almost 3 months. It has been an adjustment but for the most part, it’s working out just fine.

There is really only one thing that continues to be difficult. The loneliness. I now spend a lot of time alone. I do lots of one person things these days. I watch TV, knit, clean, read and talk to myself. I spend lots of time on my new computer cruising the ‘net, learning what this thing can and cannot do and trying to get used to the new version of Word.

But despite doing all those things to keep myself busy, I still fight the loneliness every day. I don’t like walking into an empty house knowing I’ll be alone for the rest of the night or even worse, for the weekend. It is depressing. Sometimes I will go and do things with my friends, but most of them have families so those things are few and far between. I speak with my daughter very often and that’s comforting. But it doesn’t fill the rest of the time and it doesn’t fill that loneliness that continues to follow me around.

Right after my daughter left (and took the kitties with her) a friend from work offered to share her kitty with me. She has an adult female cat (one of 8) that she feels needs more attention than she is getting. She said that she’d be willing to let me take her with the condition that if it didn’t work out she would take this kitty back into her home.

At the time, I didn’t take her up on it. I had been planning to move and didn’t want to try to take a kitty with me. Well, those plans have been put on hold indefinitely and here I sit lonely and missing my furry friends.

So, last Friday I called her to see if she was still looking for someone to take in her kitty. I explained my situation and why I didn’t take her up on it earlier. She assured me that she would take the kitty back into her home if in fact I had to move and she thought the two of us were meant to keep each other company. My worry had been having to find a home for this kitty if I did indeed move and that worry was now gone.

Next weekend, I will have a new kitty. I am so looking forward to having some companionship. Yes, cats are solitary creatures and don’t need people much. But maybe the two of us older single ladies will find things in common and make each other’s lives more pleasant, comfortable and cozy.

Things I've begun to notice

2008-07-21T20:51:00.001-07:00

Since coming into this new empty-nest phase of my life, I've begun to notice some things about my self that have surprised me.

I don't like to live alone. I am finding myself rattling around the house alone and talking to myself. I miss sharing my space with another living being. Maybe I need a fish.

I talk to myself a lot more now. That's not so bad except I forget and do it at work and in public. I have found myself apologizing: no, I didn't say anything, I was just thinking out loud. Thinking out loud sounds so much better than talking to myself.

It's hard to shop and cook for just one person. The upside is that my food bill is much smaller. The downside, lack of motivation to fix well rounded meals. Upside, rediscovering the joys of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Suddenly I have curly hair. OK so this doesn't really have anything to do with being an empty nester but what is the deal? I've always had straight hair. I've been letting it grow, got sick of it and had some shape cut into it. Now it's curly! I'm not complaining but where did this come from?

I have to stop myself from picking up strays. I really am not ready to be the crazy cat lady quite yet. But they look so cute and it's kitten season. Walk away, just walk away.

So, it's continuing to be an interesting, strange journey, but one I'm trying my best to embrace. Yes, it's hard sometimes but overall, I think this new life is going to work out just fine.

Photo courtesy of

BlossomSwap.com

The empty nest is getting more comfortable...

2008-06-11T14:34:00.000-07:00

So, it’s been a couple of weeks and guess what? I’ve survived! That first weekend was a killer but I’m getting used to the solitude and beginning to even enjoy it. Between the cell phone and the internet it’s almost like she’s still here, almost. There have been a couple of frantic “Mom what do I do now” phone calls but we are both surviving. She is making her way around the big city and having a grand time doing so.

I am learning to not cook such big meals, to shop smaller and to find ways to amuse myself on the bus. Knitting is coming in very handy as is my little iPod Shuffle. I’ve been on a dishcloth making kick and these are perfect projects to throw in my bag and take along. Yes, everyone will be getting fancy dishcloths for some holiday this year.

I am finding myself staring into the future. The whole “what’s next” thing is bombarding me from all sides. I don’t know what to make of it and I am having some trouble wrapping my brain around it. I haven’t lived looking into the future in a long time. I’ve been living in the “right in front of my face, keep my head down and get through it” for longer than I care to admit. I thought I had the answers but now I’m not so sure. Is this a mid-life crisis? If so, where is the sports car and the hot 20 year old boy?

All kidding aside, I am struggling with this new life but I am living it. I guess that’s all one can do is to take a new step each day and just keep going forward. Sometimes that new step is a doozy

So this is what an empty nest feels like...

2008-06-02T15:45:00.000-07:00

Well, it’s been a week. A week since we drove out of that rainy city, leaving our daughter there all alone but happy as a clam. She’s got the cat to keep her company and her new life opening up before her.

For me, it’s been both better and worse than I thought it would be. The better things have been small and somewhat unexpected, more about choices I have that I didn’t before: What’s for dinner, what to watch on TV, and what to do on Saturday afternoons.

Worse? The house that once seemed too small now is huge, empty and hollow. Having no one to share The Daily Show, no one to share bus adventures, no one to commiserate with about how the day went.

The almost crippling loneliness that sometimes sneaks up on me is worse than I expected. Sound overdramatic? I would have said so too until I found myself on Sunday afternoon in a fetal position in tears with no clear reason why.

This must be the empty nest coupled with the reality of divorce. I’ve never lived alone, ever. I went from my parent’s house, to living with roommates to marriage. Now there are times when I feel utterly alone and without purpose.

I’ve been a hands-on Mom for so long I don’t know how to do anything else and this long distance Mom thing is… I don’t know what it is. I find myself on this new frontier with no map or guidebook. What am I supposed to do now?

I think I’m fooling everybody around here. Smile, make witty comments and keep being helpful to others. Do the daily paperwork, print the daily reports, keep the copying up to date, replace the toner in the printer…it’s all getting done and they think I’m remarkable.

But you know, there is always a silver lining to every cloud. Right now that lining is I’m here, my daughter is blossoming and what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…

Funny things they say to you at work...

2008-01-30T16:12:00.001-08:00

I was standing at the copier waiting for some copies to finish when a co-worker says to me "You must be so tired, I don't know how you talk so much during the day, do you drink?"

I spend the majority of my day explaining things to people. I use a lot of words in a day, granted, I repeat a lot of them too. "Click on the star icon, no, the star, no, the gold star icon", "you have to enter the data in the correct format using numbers and slashes, no that's a dash you need to use a slash, no this key right here" "No! Don't use the back button... oh, well, you just lost all your information. Yes, you have to do it all over again; yes I know, you hate computers."

Perhaps now the "do you drink" question makes more sense...

The answer no, but sometimes I wish I could.

Be still my heart…

2008-01-04T19:22:00.001-08:00

I had one of those moments that you want to capture forever and keep it somewhere so you can take it out and re-experience it from time to time.

I have been teaching my 18 year old daughter how to knit. This summer I showed her how to cast on and the knit stitch. She diligently set about making and frogging numerous squares and scarves to practice with and then seemed to get bored.

Right before Christmas she found a pattern for Civil War era Muffatees and wanted to know if I could make them. She picked out some yarn and I made them for her in an evening.

She sent me an email at work telling me she had forgotten how to cast on so I told her I’d show her when on I got home but that she could check my bookmarks and got to the Knitting Help site and look at the videos.

I got home that night and she once again asked me to show her how to cast on. She sat busily on the couch casting on and then knitting. It was so wonderful to be sitting on the couch, she at one end and me at the other, parallel knitting. She began taking her knitting to work and when she rode the bus. Be still my heart…

But here comes the real moment to be captured and saved forever. We had spent the afternoon running around, going to Michael’s and JoAnn’s and were on the bus heading home. It was getting dark by this time. She usually puts her iPod on to block out the noise on the bus and she did that. Then she whips out her knitting and proceeds to knit in public, on the bus in near darkness. I wanted to hug her. It was amazing to see something that was passed down to me through my Grandmother, my Mother, me and now to her.

That night she finished her first garter stitch scarf. It was made from Red Heart’s soft yarn using size 6 needles so it was tightly knit and substantial. It had some little holes, and the edges were a bit in and out but it was the most beautiful scarf I had ever seen.

Last night she asked me to teach her how to purl. So I had her cast on and knit one row and then showed her how to purl. This time I had her use size 8 needles with her Simply Soft yarn left from a bag I had made. It took a few repetitions but she got it! I told her that if she alternated her knit and purl rows, she would get the stockinet stitch.

Again she worked away, this time wearing her newly finished scarf, while I was on the computer and then I hear this question: is it supposed to curl up like this? I took a look at her work and it was beautiful. Nice straight even stitches that curled a bit on the bottom. I almost started to tear up and told her how great it looked for a first try. I also told her about using garter stitch borders to keep the curling from happening. We talked about how to tell the difference between knit and purl stitches.

She is getting ready to leave the nest in a few months. This experience with her is one I will now cherish forever. I have gotten to pass along to her the building blocks of knitting. She can add this to her tool box of other crafting skills and her ever growing box of life skills. And it is one more connection to knit us together even as the apron strings are loosened and cut, moving closer while at the same time separating.

A time of change

2008-01-03T21:30:00.001-08:00

I am beginning to look into the abyss of change. All around me it is beginning, moving inexorably forward completely out of my control. It is starting as a trickle like a small mountain stream but already I hear the rumbles of white water ahead.

She has one foot out the door and is not looking back. I hear her speaking of her new life away from me, one in which I will play only a small, far away role. Realizing that sooner than later I will not wake up to see her every day, we will not say goodnight to each other every night, I will not hear the question are you going to take a shower first of should I.

Soon she will be a distant voice on the phone, a blinking message in my email box, the occasional card in the mail.

But this is how it’s supposed to be isn’t it? They are with you for a time and then you set them free to fly the nest, to create a nest of their own, to have adventures near and far, to make their mark in the world.

I have known this intuitively since I carried her in my womb, I have pontificated about this since I first held her in my arms. I know this. So why is it feeling like a complete surprise to me now?

We are approaching the finish line, making the final preparations, crossing the t’s and dotting the i’s, getting her ducks in a row and every other cliché one can think of, each step getting closer to the final take off and I find myself hanging on for dear life.

How does one gracefully step out of the way? How does one untie that very last knot on the apron? How does one stand at the front door smiling, waving and saying good bye and watching them sail off into uncharted territory?

I guess you take a deep breath, untie that knot and know that you’ve done your job. There is a saying in knitting that says “Trust the pattern”. I guess in this case I have to trust the job I’ve done and the choices I’ve made and trust that she is ready for the world.

Why doesn’t “because I said so” work with adults?

2007-10-18T14:09:00.000-07:00

I work in a public place that is run by several government agencies. We provide all kinds of services for the public that are related to the workforce. We have staff from various agencies who work with different populations that come in depending on their needs.

I work in a room that is here for job search purposes only. All the activity and equipment is only to be used for looking for and finding a job. This is posted on every computer monitor, on signs on the walls and on the papers they fill out when they sign up. It’s not a secret.

We have computers with internet access, a printer, fax machine and a phone that are all free to use. We provide nice resume paper, envelopes and folders to keep them in. We provide disks to save their work on, again, all at no cost to them.

The computers can be used to look up jobs, create and post resumes, print resumes and to file for unemployment. There is a state run website that provides a resume builder, job search engine and job matching. The internet can be used to look for work, send work related email such as a resume and check email to see if they have any job news waiting for them.

All that being said, my coworkers and I spend an inordinate amount of time telling people that the equipment is strictly for job search purposes. i.e.:

No, you can’t go online and shop for barbeque grills at Target.
No checking your bank balance is not job related.
You can’t post personal ads on Craig’s list from these computers.
No, I can’t do anything about the filters that are on the computers.
Um, you can’t download music onto these computers or you mp3 player here.
No, looking up dog breeds and their care is not job related.

Just like 5 year olds, they try to argue their points. “But I want to be a dog groomer.” Do you have a job offer that shows this? “No but it’s what I’d like to do”. Well, you can go to the public library and do that there.

“Something’s wrong with your computers”. What’s it doing? “It won’t let me open my MySpace page”. Yeah, the filters don’t allow that site to load here and anyway, that’s not job search related. You can go and do that at the public library, they don’t have any filters.

I’m sorry; you can’t do any shopping on these computers. “But I wasn’t.” I can see that you are looking at Target’s website and you are not in the Careers section. “Well, I am thinking of going around the country and selling these as a career and so I need to research them.”

Well, you can’t do that here but you can go to the library and do it there. “You are keeping me from being able to get a job by not letting me do comparisons of these grills. This is research, man.” Well, you’ll have to do that at the library.
I ended up having to call the security guard and having the person escorted off the property because he escalated and became threatening. (note my handy-dandy government speak)

Occasionally we get “oh, sorry” response when told nicely, “everything done on these computers has to be job search related”. Those are happy times… mostly we get the arguments and justifications and rationalizations for why we should make an exception for them.

This is the reason I made a label with the security guard’s phone number and put it on my name badge, it does double duty in covering up my last name. (I asked for it to be left off but was overruled by people who don’t in an environment that requires the presence of a security guard.)

So, I just want to say to these people when they start with the rationalizations, excuse and arguments, no, you can’t do that. Why? Because I said so…

A slice of time.

2007-08-01T20:57:00.000-07:00

There is so much I need to say
I am here in this slice
of time
with you
And I know
for the first time
contentment

I have opened myself up
to you
completely
because you
accept me
without judgment
without exceptions
without expectations

Here with you
I just am…
not good
not bad
just me

I have no fear
when I am near you
no censor
no self-doubt.

You have helped
me to come
out of a cocoon
A shell
so carefully built
constructed to
protect
what was left
of this broken
me

One small piece
at a time
you loosened
then lifted
the shell
because you saw
the butterfly
trapped inside…

The butterfly
I couldn’t
see or feel.
The butterfly
I thought
was gone…

2006-10-23T21:16:00.000-07:00

Priceless

Paradox

2006-10-23T21:13:00.000-07:00

Drowning in your lies
shifting gears
trying to keep up,
stay focused,
be flexible-
bend but don’t break
reach but don’t touch
feel but not too much.

Happy not sad
easy not hard
close but distant
here but not there
now but not then.

So when?
Slowly descend into despair
can’t keep up
can’t fall back
can’t go forward
STUCK.

Stuck here with nothing
only dark things
Can’t get out of bed
can’t see the sun
can’t see the moon
can’t see me and you.

Far away a breeze blows
sweet, clean, and clear
Sweeping through the darkness
bringing something new
something to hang on to
something real
but just out of reach

Anniversary Day

2006-10-21T20:36:00.000-07:00

Written on the what would have been my 21st annivesary.... so much healing has happened since the divorce I can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel!

Anniversary Day

My heart remembers,
times and places
people and things.

Placed in time
by numbers
don’t mean much to you-
set my soul by them.

Each year they come and go
and I remember.
Each passing
in my mind’s eye
like a photograph.

Faded black and white images
vivid color pieces of time
split second moments
captured fragments of life.

Tears fall
laughter bubbles up
treasured moments
remembered with a sigh.

This life is short,
the journey rocky
paved with these memories.

Wouldn’t trade a single minute-
they have brought me here
to this understanding
to this place
to this anniversary day.

Coffee Steaming in the Morning...

2006-10-21T20:32:00.000-07:00

Coffee Steaming in the Morning...

How quiet the morning is
fog swirling through the trees
gray light settles around me
the fresh smell of morning
tickles my nose
as I take in a deep breath
and sigh.
Another day beginning

I long to sit in the quiet
the fog kissing my face
the birds huddling in the cold
the cats sitting on
the cement sidewalk
fur puffed,
eyes closed against the cool morning.
A cup of coffee in my hand
and time…

Drinking in the peace
the solitude
the quiet beauty
of the moment.

That moment before
time wakes
and chaos breaks
the silence.

Beauty fades
with the fog
and life intrudes.

Another day
another dollar
bends my back
with it’s weight.

Spirals...

2006-10-21T20:29:00.000-07:00

Slowly circling the perimeter
touching every surface
feeling every crack
in the stone walls
that surround me
that keep closing in.

Darkness follows my feet
softly flowing under them,
whispering it’s secrets
so no one can hear.

Memories reach for me
filtering in through the dark
picture fragments
floating just out of touch
they pass by.

Searching for the door
that leads to the light
away from the whispers
the memories
the clutching fingers
of desperation
and fear.

Hang over you left me with...

2006-10-18T22:19:00.000-07:00

Complex, convoluted, corrupted
destroyed, dethroned, demanding
undercover, understated, underrated
slipping through my fingers
like last night’s dreams of you.

Dreams of you that filter through
a fog of Celexa and sleep
reaching out for me
they keep
me unstable
and completely unable
to move.

Is it you or someone
I dreamt of
being you?

Twisted in the bed sheets
caught in the sleep
I reach for you
but you were just a dream.
So far away from the truth
just out of reach.
Too foggy, to far removed
from the universe where you shine.

I can still smell your soap on my pillow
feel your skin on my skin
your heart beating inside of mine.
A dream, just a dream.

I long for your stories
your arms around my shoulders
the laugh in your voice
the little boy in your blue eyes.
A dream, just a dream
you keep slipping away…
slipping away with the dawning light.

Daggers

2006-10-18T17:00:00.000-07:00

Your words are like daggers
reaching into my heart
cutting through
to the center
of where it beats.
Each syllable takes
another slice
and the blood flows…

And my soul
rises up
stretching, reaching
longing for
the next sound

Swirling through
the atmosphere
until it finds the
next verse
the next rhyme
the next couplet

Soaring through the simplicity
the pure emotion
it had long ago locked away…

I can’t drink it all in
it runs down my chin
my heart beats
faster with every
drop that hits
the ground..

A heart awakened
by words,
a pure, sweet voice
and a cacophony of sound
now beats unfettered
by the defeats
of this world…

Heartbeat

2006-10-18T16:57:00.000-07:00

Pictures move
swirling twirling dancing around my head
fighting for first place
bright colors shouting for attention.
Faded memories slipping past
catching the light
for a moment
then tumbling away
like a whisper.
Eyes, twinkling in the light
like stars
deep pools of
color.
So captivating
I want to drown in them.

The sound of your heart
beating beneath my fingers
keeps me safe
reminds me that I am alive….

2006-10-18T16:55:00.000-07:00

Time

Step through time
drifting back among
the ruins that line my memory
snippets and portraits pass
through the corridors..
a child wanders, lost
in the maze that surrounds her
wondering where
she stepped off the path
and why no one noticed.

Searching for the hand
to guide her
to show her the light
to show her the way out…
the way back to herself
because now she is grown
but still wanders
wondering if anyone
will ever take her home…

First post....

2006-10-18T12:36:00.000-07:00

This space is a place to ramble, grumble and express...
Both you and I.....